Supporting a Loved One Going Through Divorce

I’m getting divorced. It feels so normal yet surreal to say. A chosen few saw it coming because I had been reaching out desperate, hiding, crying, anguished for months, no, years leading up to the decision. When I started telling people, I got so much support. But in the months after, while I moved into my own place, got promoted, got blindsided by accusations by my soon to be ex-husband, I received a range of responses and comments. Let me say this; I know wholeheartedly every person meant well, but what I found myself feeling at times was dismissed, hurt, and alone.

When someone loses someone due to death, its final. The person is gone, so everyone focuses on the griever. They make gestures, send flowers, check in, provide support. When the loss is complex, such as divorce, the aftermath is different. People do their best to support, may feel torn between the two individuals breaking up, try to say the right thing. As I have been going through the divorce process, I wanted to share my thoughts on what may help a loved one going through the same.

Ask how you can help. Don’t assume the person already has help. If they are moving, offer to help move. Offer to spend time with them shortly after their move. Going from a household of two to one can be deafening.

Don’t be afraid to ask how they are or what is happening. If you ask and they start crying, don’t take that as a sign its “too much” and change the subject. The person getting divorced already feels alone, and likely wants to be able to express how they are feeling.

Let your loved one have their feelings. If they are angry, be angry with them. If they are hurt or scared or anxious, give them a space to have those feelings. Don’t tell them they shouldn’t feel angry or sad or (insert whatever feeling you don’t think is helpful based on your own experience).

Don’t compare. Everyone’s process through a divorce is different, especially what led up to it. Telling your loved one “It could be worse” is not helpful.

Have patience. Give your loved one time to grieve. To find themselves. To reflect. If they turn down invitations to socialize, don’t take it personal. Did I mention be patient? Wait a while before asking if they plan to change their name. Chances are they are not even thinking about that while their world as they knew it is changing.

Lastly, don’t assume as time goes on, they don’t need support or help. Divorce involves a lot of ups and downs, blindsides and possible accusations, as well as unexpected grief, even if it is the best decision.

Everyone does their best in these situations. Remember, when in doubt, just reach out.