Grief is a natural response to loss, a complex emotional process that can be overwhelming, particularly in its acute stages. When we lose a loved one, especially in the first few hours or days, we may find ourselves grappling with a whirlwind of emotions and physical sensations that can be difficult to make sense of. In this blog post, we’ll explore some of the common experiences associated with acute grief, including feelings of numbness, memory lapses, physical pain, irritability, and a sense of stunted sadness. Understanding these emotions can help individuals navigate through this challenging time with compassion and self-awareness.
Numbness: When Emotions Feel Out of Reach
One of the most common experiences in the initial stages of acute grief is a sense of emotional numbness. It’s as if a protective shield has descended, temporarily dampening our ability to fully process the reality of the loss. It can almost feel like you’re dissociated. Dissociation feels like a blank mind, numbness, ambivalent attitude about everything or staring off without realizing it.
Numbness also reflects an active functional freeze state within the nervous system. Functional freeze looks like feeling numb, apathetic or “checked out”, but still being able to function. You are still showing up to work, showering, taking care of things at home. On the outside, others see you as fine. The best ways to move out of functional freeze are to get moving and connect with someone. Go for a walk, hike or bike ride. Practice mindfulness and notice what is around you, including any sounds or smells. Another way to move out of this freeze state is to connect with someone, even if you aren’t feeling particularly social.
Keep in mind, whenever our nervous systems respond in a dysregulated way, it’s always for our protection and safety. It’s our job to guide our nervous systems through these times with patience and compassion.
Numbness is a coping mechanism, and we can appreciate that it allows us to gradually absorb the enormity of the situation at a pace that we can handle.
Memory Lapses: A Mind Overwhelmed
Grief can overwhelm our cognitive functions, leading to memory lapses and difficulty concentrating. You may walk out the door forgetting your purse and not realizing until you reach your destination. You may go to do something, to only seconds later forget what you were doing. This is a normal response to the intense emotions we’re grappling with. As we navigate through this fog, it’s crucial to be patient with ourselves and seek support when needed.
Some of the best ways that I have found to re-center and clarify the mind are:
- Be in nature. Go somewhere with trees, greenery, flowers, etc
- Physical movement of any kind. Dance it out, yoga, take a walk, stretch.
- Find a hobby or activity that requires your full attention. Look forward to that weekly activity.
- Guided Meditation: Look one up on Youtube or use a self care app such as Calm.
Physical Pain: The Body Reacts to Loss
Grief is not limited to emotional pain; it can manifest physically as well. Many individuals report feeling aches, pains, and tension in their bodies. You may experience headaches, tension in your shoulders, chest pains. Your body may feel sore as if you have worked out, but you haven’t. This physical discomfort is a testament to the mind-body connection, emphasizing that our emotions have a profound impact on our physical well-being. Engaging in self-care practices like gentle exercise, relaxation techniques, and seeking professional help (when necessary) can help alleviate some of this pain.
Also, don’t kick yourself if you need to take medication or supplements temporarily to get you through this time. There can be so much shame in that, like we have failed at being able to get through this in a “strong” way. Just do whatever you need to right now to feel safe and comfortable inside your body. As you practice some of the other strategies in this blog, you may find you no longer need to take it!
Irritation and Anger: Coping with Overwhelm
The intense emotions of grief can sometimes spill over into irritability and anger. This is a natural response to feeling overwhelmed and powerless in the face of loss. You may notice the sound of others talking becomes unbearable, or you become sensitive to noise in general. It’s important to recognize and validate these feelings, while also finding healthy outlets for them. Engaging in activities like journaling, exercise, or seeking professional guidance can be instrumental in managing these complex emotions.
You may find you either want to isolate or flee situations that feel overstimulating or overwhelming. That’s ok, for the time being. Notice that these are normal fight or flight nervous system responses that are, again, protective. You can honor them for now, placing yourself in environments that are soothing and nourishing. Then, after anchoring yourself more, you will recognize these responses coming forward and respond with more compassion.
Anger is an emotion that most people are afraid of and hold inside. It doesn’t feel socially acceptable to express. Here is your permission slip to just tantrum it out as needed. It doesn’t need to be directed toward anyone; just let it out. Maybe it’s enough to be petty in your head about those around you without having to act on it. You don’t need to be perfect during this time.
Stunted Sadness: When Grief Feels Overwhelmingly Heavy
In the initial stages of acute grief, it’s not uncommon for the depth of sadness to feel almost too heavy to bear. This can lead to a sense of being stuck, as if the grief is too immense to fully process. You may feel on the verge of sadness or tears but unable to fully connect with the feeling. You may also experience random waves of tearfulness that seem to come out of nowhere. It’s not necessary to understand why the tears are coming; they’re simply a release of all the pent-up energy from the grieving process.
Remember that grieving is a unique and individual process, and there is no timeline for healing. Taking small steps towards self-care and allowing space for your emotions, no matter how stunted they may feel, is a vital part of the journey.
Acute grief in the immediate aftermath of a loved one’s passing is a profoundly challenging experience. Understanding the various emotions and physical sensations that can arise during this time is a crucial step towards navigating this complex journey. Remember, seeking support from friends, family, or professionals is a sign of strength, and it’s okay to lean on others for help. With time, patience, and self-compassion, healing and acceptance can gradually become part of the grieving process.
